In many ways, sex is a fundamental human need. Yet, a number of factors can cause people to lose interest in or even stop having sex altogether. Major life changes are one factor: millennials are at the age where they’re starting families, and that can be an overwhelming and stress-inducing time.
1. They don’t know how to communicate their needs
Many men become defensive or feel blamed when it comes time to have a serious talk about the state of their relationship. This is normal and can be overcome with patience and a clear understanding of how modern masculinity plays out for each individual man.
If you’re struggling with communication, it can be a good idea to write out your own “needs script” before initiating this kind of discussion.
Experts have varying definitions of what it means to be in a low-sex marriage. New York City-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder defines it as four or fewer times per year, while California-based sex therapist Kimberly Anderson puts the figure at 25 or fewer sessions. But whatever the exact number, all experts agree that a low-sex lifestyle is not a healthy option for either partner. Several factors contribute to the problem, from major life milestones such as becoming a parent (which can lead to exhaustion) to financial worries (which can lead to stress and anxiety). All of this can have a negative impact on libido.
2. They don’t know how to ask for what they want
Many men struggle to communicate what they want in bed. In part, this is because women often have different expectations of what sex should be like.
In addition, major life events can make it difficult to find arousal. Many millennials are new parents or have young children, which can be an overwhelming time in life. In addition, financial pressures can add stress to the equation.
Sexual desire also decreases quickly after an orgasm, so it’s important to find ways to keep the spark alive. For example, some men enjoy having their partners initiate sex. This is a great way to make your man feel desirable in bed.
Additionally, some men prefer oral sex. You can encourage this by incorporating more oral play into your routine.
3. They don’t know how to set healthy boundaries
The key to healthy boundaries is clearly communicating them with your partner. This includes both physical and emotional boundaries. Physical boundaries include things like your comfort level with touch, your personal space, and your privacy. Emotional boundaries are about how you feel and your ability to express yourself.
It may take some time to discover what your personal boundaries are, but it is well worth the effort. It is also important to remember that your boundaries can change from day to day. For example, while one person might find vocal domination and being commanded stimulating, for another it could be very uncomfortable.
Once you have established your boundaries, it’s important to communicate them with your partner(s). This is particularly true if you are in a new relationship or hookup. It is also a good idea to discuss these issues prior to meeting in-person (or if you’re using a dating app, this can be done ahead of time). This way everyone knows what to expect and can respect each other’s limits and desires.
4. They don’t know how to enjoy it
Most people’s libido fluctuates, and it’s normal for sex to not be as pleasurable as it was in the beginning. But a lot of things can influence your pleasure, from the broader circumstances of your life to an unfinished to-do list and your physical health.
Moreover, studies show that couples who care about meeting each other’s sexual needs experience more sexual satisfaction day-to-day and over time in long-term relationships. So, if your partner isn’t bringing you pleasure in the bedroom, have an honest conversation and find out what turns them on.
It can be tough to open up about sex issues, but it’s essential for creating intimacy and a strong emotional bond. If you’re struggling to communicate effectively, sessions with a certified sex therapist can improve intimacy issues by helping you practice healthy touch and educating you both about arousal and desire. They can also help you develop a deeper understanding of your partner by encouraging you to tease and stimulate each other.